I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
