My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
