margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
