I cockslap morals
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
