I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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