I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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