i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
