I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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