he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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