he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
