I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
