Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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