Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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