i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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