There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
