that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
