From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
