those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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