I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
too bad you live with your parents still
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
