Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
