Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If I die, sorry about rent.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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