At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
