Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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