I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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