On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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