Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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