then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
