I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
