Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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