2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
