When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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