god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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