My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
