dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pooping to opera.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
