Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
