well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
