matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
