that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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