I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
