On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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