i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
