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In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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