HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
