my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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