You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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