What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
