I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
