living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
