I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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