I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
