You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
