I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
