She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
