I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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