bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he fucked my hip out of place.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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