i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
