If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
